Home is where the heart is....

Home is where the heart is. I believe that. So what do you do when your heart is with family and friends scattered across the country?

When you feel alone and that the world is crushing  you? when you don't have anyone to hold you in their arms and let you feel them till it passes? You scream, you cry, you rant and rave. You let yourself go crazy and then you let the people you love know how much you care. 

I've found a home in New Orleans, but that doesn't mean I don't ache for the friends I left behind. I have no one to bring me water and tuck me in when I'm sick or to take me out drinking and singing, and ensure I make it home safe. I miss the family I made in Lake Geneva. I miss being able to go to out, talk guys and bitch about work. Most of all I miss you.

3 months down here, and I have found my city, I've meet some great people that are becoming my family here, but they are not and will not ever replace you. whether you call Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Ohio, Virginia, Pennsylvania,  North and South Carolina, or others home.  

Just know that I love and miss you, always.

forbidden fruit

I lay here thinking of you and your body. How if I had it for just one night, one whole night, the horrible, wonderful, terrifying things that we would do to each other. Would it be enough? Could we walk away after having tasted paradise? Perhaps you where right to walk away without tasting the forbidden fruit for once tasted, there is no going back. No settling for less, for anything less than what we offered each other. You did right, running away, and never looking back. Who can take just one bite of heaven? Only denying yourself could you protect what you have?  I just wish you that didn’t sentence me to never knowing as well. Will you let me know, ever?

 I dream of you. I who never dream, have dreamed of you more than once. I who never give myself completely, wanted to fall, to fall into your arms, into the safety of you. I wanted to shatter and let you take the wonder of me, the joy, the sorrow, the pain, and pleasure. The majesty of all that is me, and make of me what you would. That’s what undid you isn’t it? The fact that I would give you my tears, willingly, as well as my joy, and pleasure, that I would give you every part of me. That is what made you stop and think and sent you running. Overwhelmed, undeserving, whatever you felt, why didn’t you tell me. I knew I shocked you when I said I wanted you to make me cry and to taste my tears, but I didn’t realize that you wanted it so much, you couldn’t chance me backing out.

It hurts so much. God it hurts. You made me cry after all, only you are not here to taste them, to savor them and all they mean. I want to scream, a soundless roar, from the depths of my soul. To give release somehow the yawning pit of passion that I keep locked up so tight. I toy with it from time to time. I let a taste out every now and then, to see if I have found someone who can handle me. So far I’m still alone, still howling so loud and long, that my chest hurts just thinking of it. I’ve withdrawn into myself, when all I long for it to held, caressed, loved, cherished for who I am, for all of who I am. I don’t know if I know how or if I have the strength left to tear down the walls that time and callous disuse have built so well.

Music

Music. Its been apart of me my entire life. From the cute antics of a child to a smoldering passion that I was too shy to truly explore while in high school that has stayed with me that I am finally bringing out into the full light of day.

 

It started with a shipboard choir when I was on deployment with the Navy. I was one of three sopranos and the only one willing albeit reluctantly to take the solo parts of a couple of songs that people wanted sung for Easter Sunday. I performed those plus one of my own, all a Capella. I had a CD for mine but it broke and there wasn't time to get a new one. I am told I did well. I have a copy of the performance, but I still haven't brought myself to watch it. 

Time passed again, quite a few years actually still sang while listening sometimes, then I made some new friends and they took me out to karaoke with them. A whole new world opened up to me. I actually am now able to get up in front of people both that I know and do not know and sing into a microphone. This is coming from the girl who had such stage fright I couldn't do a 5 minute offering reading and prayer above a whisper while staring rigidly at the podium at church when she was 12. When that I happened I decided that I wasn't going to let that be my story. I proceeded to join the speech team at school and the drama club at church. I started out with extemporaneous reading (a random selection from a book) and did mostly Mimes with drama. I was really good with the mimes (they where set to music). 

I learned piano when I was about 10 and the alto saxophone for the school band. I haven't kept up with either but I'll pick the alto sax if you ask which I like better. I have more connection, flow if you will with it. Singing though has always been my passion. I guess thats enough for now. Please feel free to ask questions and comment on this or any of my postings.

Part 1: Some of my Favorite quotes from the Anita Blake Series by Laurell K. Hamilton

Assuming the Worst was always safer. And usually truer.

He could be mine: lock, stock and fangs.

We're all creatures of light and darkness. Embracing your darness won't kill the light. Goodness is stronger than that.

Sometimes you deal with the devil not because you want to, but because if you don't, someone else will.

Sometimes love makes you selfish. Sometimes it makes you stupid. Sometimes it reminds you why you love your gun.

Neither love nor evil conquors all, but evil cheats more.

Bad necromancer, no cookie.

The dead are my specialty.

I wasn't feeling very special tonight.

Was it just me, or are people really this confusing?

The truth may not set you free, but used carefully, it can confuse the hell out of your enemies.

Try to do a good deed and it bites you on the ass.

Funny, what turns out to be the lesser evil some nights.

Sometimes it's not the light in a person that you fall in love with, but the dark. Sometimes it's not the optimist you need, but another pessimist to walk beside you and know, absolutely know, that the sound in the dark is a monster, and it really is as bad as you think.

the monster under the bed wasn't just real,

 but it was holding a grudge.

But sometimes, when you're really scared, illusion is all you've got. Cling to it, baby, cling to it.

We aren't the good guys. We're the necessary guys. -Edward

Sometimes the things I do for this job worry me.

In a heat so hot it made it hard to breathe, I shivered.

Living Vampire, Serial Killer; po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

excerpt of Anita and Nathaniel:

"I noticed you don't disagree that I'm being an ass."

He Laughed. "You don't like it when I lie."

I stared at him for a second, mouth open, then I went back to staring at traffic. "I can't believe you said that."

He was laughing so hard that our hands jiggled up and down on his leg. "Neither can I." He said.

Spark

Like dry timber,

One spark was all it took

Your hands set me ablaze.

One look and I was lost. 

light

We are lost; 

looking for the LIGHT; 

We can not find.

Longing

Release my heart, if you won't give yours. 
For my heart longs for a release 
that it can not find. 
Denied you, rejecting all others. 
Longing - always for you.