Home is where the heart is....

Home is where the heart is. I believe that. So what do you do when your heart is with family and friends scattered across the country?

When you feel alone and that the world is crushing  you? when you don't have anyone to hold you in their arms and let you feel them till it passes? You scream, you cry, you rant and rave. You let yourself go crazy and then you let the people you love know how much you care. 

I've found a home in New Orleans, but that doesn't mean I don't ache for the friends I left behind. I have no one to bring me water and tuck me in when I'm sick or to take me out drinking and singing, and ensure I make it home safe. I miss the family I made in Lake Geneva. I miss being able to go to out, talk guys and bitch about work. Most of all I miss you.

3 months down here, and I have found my city, I've meet some great people that are becoming my family here, but they are not and will not ever replace you. whether you call Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Ohio, Virginia, Pennsylvania,  North and South Carolina, or others home.  

Just know that I love and miss you, always.

forbidden fruit

I lay here thinking of you and your body. How if I had it for just one night, one whole night, the horrible, wonderful, terrifying things that we would do to each other. Would it be enough? Could we walk away after having tasted paradise? Perhaps you where right to walk away without tasting the forbidden fruit for once tasted, there is no going back. No settling for less, for anything less than what we offered each other. You did right, running away, and never looking back. Who can take just one bite of heaven? Only denying yourself could you protect what you have?  I just wish you that didn’t sentence me to never knowing as well. Will you let me know, ever?

 I dream of you. I who never dream, have dreamed of you more than once. I who never give myself completely, wanted to fall, to fall into your arms, into the safety of you. I wanted to shatter and let you take the wonder of me, the joy, the sorrow, the pain, and pleasure. The majesty of all that is me, and make of me what you would. That’s what undid you isn’t it? The fact that I would give you my tears, willingly, as well as my joy, and pleasure, that I would give you every part of me. That is what made you stop and think and sent you running. Overwhelmed, undeserving, whatever you felt, why didn’t you tell me. I knew I shocked you when I said I wanted you to make me cry and to taste my tears, but I didn’t realize that you wanted it so much, you couldn’t chance me backing out.

It hurts so much. God it hurts. You made me cry after all, only you are not here to taste them, to savor them and all they mean. I want to scream, a soundless roar, from the depths of my soul. To give release somehow the yawning pit of passion that I keep locked up so tight. I toy with it from time to time. I let a taste out every now and then, to see if I have found someone who can handle me. So far I’m still alone, still howling so loud and long, that my chest hurts just thinking of it. I’ve withdrawn into myself, when all I long for it to held, caressed, loved, cherished for who I am, for all of who I am. I don’t know if I know how or if I have the strength left to tear down the walls that time and callous disuse have built so well.